What do you do when your identity changes while your mind is in the middle of still living that version?
I blamed it on postpartum but what it really was was the perfect storm…
The perfect storm for what, exactly? To break me out of an old identity and into a new version of myself that is more in alignment with who I really am. That gift is still unpacking, but at least I know that’s where I’m heading.
I still feel like I’m learning to walk all over again as this ‘new’ me but I am no longer in the wobbly Bambi stages and can actually make some sense out of what the heck just happened.
The bulk of this transformation does start with my second pregnancy. It was very different than my first and from what I understand, that’s pretty common. Both of my pregnancies were really amazing, easy and happy pregnancies. I’m one of those that feels the best I’ve ever felt in my life while carrying a baby. I remember with my first getting on all the grumpy people’s nerves because of how happy I was. What was different with my second was how embodied and grounded I was in myself which made me a lot more connected with the spiritual connection that was happening. Not only did I feel the best and healthiest I had felt in a very long time but I felt closer to God. I felt held, supported, cherished, adored and loved beyond any love I think I had felt up until the moment. It was like my heart grew and I understood more how much I am actually loved by God. I loved my loved ones even more, especially my son and husband. Now, we had a lot of very, very stressful situations going on in our lives at this point and I’m sure I will share more about this in another writing, but even with all that aside, life was so sweet and I didn’t care about anything else. I was in a bubble of love.
I had tried with my first delivery to have a natural unmedicated birth because that is what my heart and body were set on. I labored for 28 hours and, knowing what I know now, I realize I opted for the epidural right at transition… when it gets REAL. So my entire second pregnancy I was training for the marathon of birth to make the goal of a natural unmedicated birth. And we did it! Everything was absolutely perfect! Amazingly perfect and I was so grateful.
I had wanted my daughter for a very long time and it took 6 years for the stars to align. I waited sometimes patiently and sometimes not so patiently for her. So when the sleepless crying nights started, I didn’t mind one bit. I was so happy to hear her screaming. I was so happy to just have her, finally!!! (And this is still what helps me through her toddler discovery years)
Then……it hit me. I knew to expect hormones. I knew I’d be tired and with that comes emotions. I knew all of this. But what I didn’t plan for was how forgotten I felt. I knew it wasn’t true and I didn’t want to make it about me because my beautiful daughter was here and how could I expect people to be interested in me when she’s around? But It didn’t go away. After many, many, many tears and digging into myself and feelings I remembered how close I felt to God when I was pregnant. I remembered all that light I felt in my body while she was in there growing. I remembered it feeling like I had a direct phone-line to God. And now, it felt silent. So that made me think….it was her…. It wasn’t me. And just like that, I cracked open. I felt abandoned by God. I question my views on God. I immediately felt completely unsafe. I felt the ground beneath me crumble. And then I look at my daughter and see God’s light. Hello mom guilt, we meet again. It was hard. It was really, really hard. I had so much love in me and at the exact same time, so much hurt. It was confusing and my soul was exhausted.
Next, close to mother’s day, I had an unrelated and unexpected medical situation occur. It was handled immediately and all is well but search engines, the lovely bedside manner present in the medical field, having to use crutches to get around and being on a mattress in the living room floor for 3 weeks with a 3 month old to take care of really shook the shit out of me just to be completely honest.
Now I was REALLY feeling abandoned, not safe, confused and just plain mad at God.
I let myself have my moments. But I knew I was being forced to pivot. But pivoting to what?
One silly and simple thing that came to my mind was singing. I had been really shy about that but man I love music and I love to sing it loud! I thought to myself “if I left this world today and I got to the other side, I would be so pissed at myself for not singing! Just sing the damn song! Who cares if it sounds good or not! You have this life, you have to live it every moment!!!!”
I began to try and find God. I read books, I pulled cards, I journaled, I meditated, I talked to God out loud, I sang songs to my daughter. I noticed this beautiful mimosa tree outside and her flowers lit my heart up so I’d just stare at her sometimes for what felt like hours and just smile. The days began getting better. I realized I was making more time to nurture the light already inside of me, no matter how dim it had been feeling. Now looking back, the journey I was heading down was really understanding the power that I have inside of myself.
I went through a lot of waves of feeling absolutely terrified for my safety to knowing and believing that I have a say in my experience and that I am one with God. And I will say, it got way worse before it really started getting better. I lost some connections with people, one of them being someone I considered my Sister. I never thought that would end. But it did. A lot changed. I changed. There were more times than not that I didn’t even recognize myself. I couldn’t even look in the mirror because I truly did not recognize who I saw and I didn’t feel safe being her yet. I felt so incredibly lost as I was desperately trying to grab onto an identity to feel like I was safe in this world and in my body. But, I had to let it all go.
I had to build trust that God, The Universe is Love. Love is all there actually is. Sometimes it shows up as love and sometimes it shows up as lack of love. But it’s all only love.
Here’s the thing, I knew that God was never outside of me But here I was learning the missing piece… The day to day, thought by thought, action by action conscious co creation and embodying of that knowing. I was being shown over the next two years (to the this current day) any beliefs that aren’t in alignment with my full truth. I have to look at them right in the face, listen to their message, rearrange my belief and keep walking in my truth. The truth that I am an individualized expression of God. And so are you.
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